farewell mufasa

my dog is being put to sleep today in st. augustine florida, where he has been basking out his glory years in the hot florida sun under my brothers care.

13 years of dog friendship.

my brother says he is just lying on the floor now, ruptured spleen, pissing and shitting himself. says mufasa is in so much pain he can't get a farewell dog kiss.

he holds the phone close to mufasa so i can yell goodbye, because mufasa is nearly deaf.

chocolate lab with a funny run, due to a hip disorder. A good dog to say things too, a good dog for little kids to ride.

he sits on the floor in fear and pain, awaiting the vet with the game ending needle.

i will miss you mufasa. i will tell this blog because you can't hear me anymore.

I'm BACK!!

shit...it's been a while since i have posted a blog...i really thought i might just give it up. THEN while just sitting around today ignoring the gaggle of friends i invited over for BBQing to surf the interweb (looking for porn)...i was led to the blogspot of jason fetz and jason turner. You may know jason fetz as one of the bloggers on this here page...actually he's pretty much the ONLY blogger anymore.
BUT getting back to my story..."the jason's" blog is the stupidest, most idiotic, childish thing i have ever read.....and i laughed so hard i still have snot running down my face. If you are prone to giggling at fart jokes and humor at the expense of others...than go and check out Philidiots....they are in our "hall of shame" over there to the right....

okay here's some other things i am pondering:
-for some reason there has been a lot of talk about butts and salad tossing amongst my friends...why is this??
-i have a secret stash of chocolate chip cookies from 4th street deli in the drawer of the table beside my bed....most girls have vibrators...i have cookies, is that weird?
-somehow i have managed to become every guy i know's "bro"...and while i certainly enjoy the shit talking and trust of my guy friends, giving advice, and having boys to give ME blunt advice on other boys ...i have to wonder what the fuck? am a not also a babe? ....

BIG NEW IDEAS

I think deep down I really love mr big.

IDEA 1: Midget Amusement Park

at our production meeting the subject of people being two short to get on rides at an amusement park (midgets) came up.

I thought that there should be an amusement park specifically for little people. Big people would be too big to ride the miniature amusement park rides, and little people would finally be vindicated for centuries of prejudice. This is a subject close to my heart, because much like an amusement ride, women will not let me on them due to my height.

IDEA 2: Placenta Porn

After the popularity of something like 2 girls one cup, I thought the next big thing is going to be placenta porn. This is where a woman gives birth, and then once the placenta comes out, a bunch of deviant lesbians start doing weird shit with it. I would go into detail about what that weird shit would be, but I would make myself throw up.

One of these should definitely make me famous.....

I am no Pierce Brosnan

Look at me, all sex in the city. BLOG BLOG BLOGGING!

I was at a bar, like I will be today, yesterday, and tomorrow. I looked across the bar at a lady who was so attractive I felt like she rejected me based on her good looks alone, before even getting a chance to sway over and nervously stutter and stammer towards imminent denial.

I went home and watched this movie The Matador. All I can think of the whole time is that I think we all kind of believe we can be a Pierce Brosnan type leading man (if you are a woman substitute Anne Hathaway just because shes the hottest person I can think of right now). That when we give that look of wanton desire (across a bar for example), a woman would be unable to do anything but respond in kind. The fact of the matter is I am nowhere near that attractive, so when I ogle a woman, it is not the eye of a dashing rogue sex symbol, but rather the stink eye of an ogre (relatively). It's weird to accept that you are not in the league of all of these beautiful people that you are taught to believe should represent your ideal romance. I am not Pierce Brosnan, and you are most likely not my Anne Hathaway.

SO, you just accept the mediocrity, and wait for the next debacle of an unfulfilling relationship, because you are always wanting some other fantasy that just isn't for you.

I love that I can see the positives in things.

Welcome to South Philly: Here is your AXE

Moving into the oasis that has some how been granted to me by a god I never believed in before now.

Went to the cvs nex to the dunkin doughnuts where the indian man (all D&D employess are indian with a last name of PATIL) already knows my sausage loving weed eyes by name. Went to the pube trimmers aisle to get a pube trimmer, lest they should billow out from my diapers, which I will be wearing in the pool* as a make-shift swim suit. There were 2 south philly gentlemen, blobby, loud, assholish, who were huddled together near the whores bath sprays, while i perused the limited selection of wiener grooming items. There was a PSH! PSH! PHS! sound, and a gust of doushe before the fat men ran away, the one more blobular and shitty looking saying "you better pay for that!". This was some kind of South Philly joke, because he also reeked of the axe spray bottle that now rolled sad and lonely on the floor. They had come to cvs with the well hatched plan of spraying eachother with axe, before taking to the streets to bone all those hot ladies who formerly did not like them, but who would now very much like to be introduced to their penis spit.

Heres to you south philly! and your fine gentlemen.


*SEE: god given apt

COCKLOCKER

Here is my question.

If womens and mens locker rooms are separated based on the element of sexual attraction, then shouldn't gay and straight gym be separated from one another based on the same premise?

OR: we allow the old gay man at the 12th st gym to stand right next to my head while I tie my shoes, letting his towel down to reveal his flacid old-man-sack...

AND: I get to go to the ladies locker, and stand next to girls heads while they tie their shoes, letting my towel fall down to reveal my flaccid old-man-sack.

So this is what I am going to propose at 12th st today, that
either: we separate the locker rooms based on sexual preference/orientation

or: I get to run naked and free through the womens locker room, like the great wildebeasts of the serengeti.

I hope the 12th st gym has the old-man-sacks to do whats right.

in case you've been wondering...

the streak is over....and i somehow managed to avoid the whole "bad things happen in three's" superstition....hallelujah !!!













Your faith was strong but you needed proof
You saw her bathing on the roof
Her beauty and the moonlight overthrew you
She tied you
To a kitchen chair
She broke your throne, and she cut your hair
And from your lips she drew the Hallelujah


Incidentally....speaking of hallelujah..and kissable babes.....